Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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