Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Randomize
