Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize