I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
