I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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