I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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