Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
