in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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