Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
