One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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