at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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