2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
