Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
