dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
