i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
