my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
