Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
