I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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