But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
