I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
