please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
