your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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