She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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