So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
