Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
