...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
