I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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