Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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