i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
