Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
