I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize