are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you didnt know i had herpes?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
