The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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