she woke up with a sticky ear
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
