Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It was a blind-side dick pic.
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