remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
