i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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