I feel like abortions should bother me more
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
