There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
