I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
