I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
