Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
