I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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