too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize