Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
