i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
