We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Drunk is not a location!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize