you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Randomize
