mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
