he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
