Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
