I wish my penis had an off switch
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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