I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
