I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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