I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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