i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
