Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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